Ready? Break!
by crocious
Summary: It's charity time at South Park High! Open your hearts and your... um... shirts?


**Hi! Sorry for the outstandingly unforgiveable South Park Hiatus! I was getting all pumped for the new season when I decided to go back and look at what I wrote last year. I came across a little one shot suggestion that miss kawa-kiree inspired. It starts out relatively tame, but it gets racier and racier as it progresses. So if you get uncomfortable at any point, stop reading. I promise it's not gonna get any better.**

**I wrote this for the charity efforts for Japan, but I'm too slow a writer to keep up with the media's attention span. But please send your thoughts and prayers to the victims of the earthquakes and tsunamis in the Pacific. I'm sure they wouldn't turn away any luck you could wish them. And if this makes you want to do a little charity, don't fight the feeling. It's a good thing.**

**Enough preachyness. Onto:**

_Of Shakespeare and Naked Boys Dousing Each Other With Soapy Water As Fangirls the World Over Line Up In Their Cars to Squeal!_

"I can't believe you managed to talk me into this," murmured Kyle Broflovski, hugging his chest.

"Talk you into what?" Kenny McCormick laughed. "You haven't taken your shirt off yet!"

Kyle grumbled and tried to cover a little of his soaked chest. Behind him stood an endless line of cars, each one curiously filled with women. Before him stood seven guys in his senior class and a dozen buckets filled with soapy water. Every one of them was stripped to the waist and soaked through and through.

Stan Marsh laughed and slapped his best friend on the back, stinging hard through the wet cloth. "Charity, dude. It's for charity." A few cars honked at Kyle to strip off his shirt. He blushed and reluctantly pulled it over his dripping Jewfro.

Several cars shrieked in joy.

The idea was to charge $5 per car to donate money to the Red Cross. The class would be half-naked to a) draw attention to the cause and b) ensure happy, happy customers. The car wash was, of course, Kenny's brainchild. He attacked it with an unmatched gusto, resulting in more than $200 before noon.

There were a LOT of repeat cars.

Now Kenny turned to his class and pointed toward the sparkling clean sedan with a dripping sponge. "Craig, Token, Tweek and Clyde on wheels. Butters, you take left side, I'll take right. Kyle to the back and Stan, they liked you last time so you've got windshield and hood. Ready? Break!"

Laughing, the boys attacked the car. Having cleaned the green Ford half an hour ago, they didn't have to do much, but they made sure the three squealing girls felt they were thorough. Kenny and Butters made sure to stretch far enough that Kenny's toned body and Butters' bony frame pressed against the wet glass, squeaking with every movement. In the back, Kyle's bleached jeans tightened against his pert little ass as he bent over in order to tantalize the car behind him. The boys on the wheels finished quickly and rubbed each other's necks and arms, making sure everyone had a good view.

Stan, a car-washing savant, had crawled onto the hood, never breaking eye contact with the blonde driver. Staring into her eyes, he rung the giant sponge over her windshield, arching his back like a kitten as he wiped across it in wide arcs. The driver and the passenger stared, mouths agape, as Stan lost his balance, falling and pressing his tanned, perfect chest against the window. They watched Stan's body shudder with laughter. He pulled back and stretched in one fluid movement, refusing to break eye contact with the driver. He paused and smiled at her. He playfully licked his lips at the blonde just as Kenny called "Done!"

Amused, Stan climbed off the hood of the car, rubbing down his body as the dreamy girls pulled out of the high school parking lot and back again to Bebe and Wendy, the official treasurers of the operation.

Kenny looked around at his group as the next car rolled expectantly up. He sighed, tired. "Okay, this is kicking my ass. I say we start delegating."

Kyle perked up. He was pale and skinny and laughed too uncomfortably to consider himself an object of sexual desire, but organization was one way he could contribute.

"Four groups of two, two groups on one side and two on the other. One pair on each side will wash, the other will dry. That way we get these girls out twice as fast. Ready? Break."

No one moved.

Kyle sighed and looked at Kenny. The blonde grinned. "Ready? Break."

The boys rushed to group up and take their new positions. On one side, Token and Clyde set up to wash and Stan and Kyle prepared their towels. On the other side, Kenny and Butters readied their soap and water while Craig and Tweek got ready to dry.

The blue car idling in front of Kenny and Butters held two blushing girls. Kenny smiled wickedly. Oh, how he loved innocence.

Butters had set to work happily on the wheels. Kenny followed him, cleaning the body. The girls followed the pair shyly, watching every stroke. When Butters came to the driver's window, Kenny came up behind him, pressing him against the glass. Butters squeaked and blushed as Kenny folded his fingers into the hand Butters held a sponge in. He squeezed the soaked sponge with Butters' fingers. Slowly, a layer of water ran down the glass and glistened on the small blonde's skin. Kenny blew a stream of air into his ear and Butters closed his eyes and shivered. The smaller girl gasped, eyes wide.

Kenny winked at the driver and pulled his friend away, signaling for the car to move up and get dried so the next car could come in.

Tweek was shaking uncontrollably, his skinny frame threatening to snap in half. Craig, his dark hair still covered under his blue hat, put an arm around his friend and laughed as the blue car rolled up to them.

The blushing girls tried to look anywhere else, but it was impossible. Craig's jeans hung low enough on his tanned hips to show the tiniest of hints of black hair and his chest glistened in the rare Colorado sun. Improbably, he had a complete, if faint, six pack he usually hid behind his bulky sweaters. He smiled almost self consciously at the girls in the car, letting them know that this was rare; they were among the only people in the world privileged enough to see this side of him. Well. Them and the couple hundred girls before and after them, but can you blame them for not thinking about that as Craig and Tweek, shirtless, arms linking their bodies, brandished their ShamWOW!s and laughed?

Oh yeah. Tweek was also there, huh? Poor skinny pale boy.

With broad, strong strokes, Craig finished his side of the car quickly, moving on to finish Tweek's side, as the blonde's pattern was erratic and going nowhere fast. Craig rolled his eyes and smiled. "Okay, come on, dummy."

Craig grabbed Tweek's wrist and pulled him to the hood of the car. The girls repressed enormous squeals of fangasm as they watched Tweek's eyes widen in fear, cheeks glowing an illegal shade of red. Craig explained the finer points of drying technique and demonstrated, looking expectantly at his friend. Tweek shuddered at the sudden pressure and moved his ShamWOW! feebly across the hood.

"No, no," Craig smiled. "Let me show you."

Craig got behind Tweek and grabbed his hand, interlocking their fingers around the cloth. The blonde was shaking violently, so Craig place a hand on his concave stomach to steady him against his body. Craig gently pushed Tweek against the car and laid his chest on the hood.

The driver's hand shot to her nose just in time to catch the first wave of blood.

Craig was bent over his friend, chest to back, and moving their ShamWOW! in large circles. Craig's breath hit Tweek's neck in such a way that Tweek himself forgot how to breathe for a bit and his eyes squeezed together in a bizarre blend of fear and pleasure.

The girls let out the squeals they'd been holding in all day and watched how Craig, with gentle thrusts of his hips, helped Tweek reach the corners of the hood.

Meanwhile, Token and Clyde were bickering over a little red Beetle.

"Dude, it's a fact!" Token yelled as he washed the left rear end. "Chicks can NOT resist the charms of a black man!"

"I don't think so, man," Clyde retorted angrily, cleaning opposite Token. "Chicks totally can't get enough of me! I'm like Twilight!"

"If by that you mean you're immature, shallow, inconsistent and well versed in fellatio, I agree."

"Joke's on you, asshole! I don't know what half those words mean!"

Token grumbled as he wiped half of the hood down. "I will bet you anything these girls prefer me, idiot."

"One million dollars," challenged Clyde as he wiped down the other side.

"You're stupid."

"Fine, how about a Slap Bet?"

Token's teeth flashed white. "You're so on."

Before Clyde could say anything, Token pressed his sponge to his sculpted chocolate stomach and cleaned the passenger's window in small circles, making eye contact with the red head as she blushed and silently screamed.

Clyde winked at the driver, an African American girl, and placed his sponge square on his breastbone and pressed up against her window. He closed his eyes and shivered as freezing water squeezed out of his sponge, running across his muscled body. He let out a small gasp of surprise. The driver cheered.

Token brandished his biceps to the red head and squeezed his sponge with a graceful flex, letting soapy water run like a waterfall down the glass. He rolled his hips into the door and let out a small groan when his groin met the handle. The passenger's eyes widened and she blindly grabbed for her friend's arm, unable to look away from the dark, wet muscles.

The driver was preoccupied, however, as Clyde had placed the sponge on his crotch and was rolling his hips to clean the door. He balanced himself by placing one hand on top of the Beetle and leaned back to watch his girl watch the ebb and flow of his body, stomach rolling in and out as he virtually dry humped the car door.

Angrily, Token followed suit, taking a violent, staccato pace to contrast Clyde's almost lazy, languid strokes. The passenger chewed her lip hungrily, watching Token's body heave.

Token grunted. Clyde moaned. Token kept eye contact with his girl. Clyde leaned his head back and closed his eyes. They both moved in closer for better purchase and the girls in the car screamed, delighted.

Suddenly, Clyde and Token's fingers touched on the roof of the car.

They jerked back and paused, looking at each other, then at their respective groins.

Token cleared his throat. "We, uh, we done?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I think that's best." The boys pulled away awkwardly and knocked on the girls' windows.

"Excuse me, ladies," Token asked the red head. "Do you mind telling me who-"

"I love you," the white girl blurted out. Clyde frowned as Token smirked at him.

"How about you," Clyde asked the driver. "Who do you think-"

"I want you so bad right now," she interrupted him, rubbing her thigh invitingly.

"Shit. It's a tie," Token said.

"No way, dude! This girl's pants are clearly wetter. That means I'm hotter!"

"Don't be vulgar, Clyde."

"Who's vulgar?" The black girl squealed and laughed as Clyde playfully squeezed his sponge over the crotch of her pants. "There. I made her wetter. I win."

The passenger shrieked with laughter as Token leaned in to suck on her neck. She giggled as he tickled her with his tongue. Suddenly, Token found a sensitive spot. The girl's eyes snapped shut and she moaned.

Token pulled away, triumphant. Clyde raised his eyebrows. "You really wanna go there?"

"I just went There. I took a plane, lost my luggage, sent a postcard to my parents, bought you a T-shirt that says 'My friend went There and made me his bitch' and took the plane back just to see that stupid look on your face when I told you where I went."

Clyde nodded. "Fair enough." He leaned in to whisper in the driver's ear. Her eyes widened and her face grew darker with blush. Curiously, Token leaned his head in the window to hear what he was saying. Clyde kept whispering.

The driving girl bit her lip and moaned, squeezing her legs together and writhing unconsciously as Token and the red head watched, bewildered. Suddenly, the girl's leg slipped over the other and she accidentally floored the gas. The sides of the windows smacked the boys hard in the cheeks as the screaming car sped off, past a waiting Stan and Kyle. Token and Clyde clutched their faces and yelled obscenities.

Stan and Kyle looked at each other and listened to Clyde slap Token's unbruised cheek in victory. They sighed and rolled their eyes, waiting for their next car.

"You wanna make this interesting too?" Stan asked Kyle.

"I'm not making a bet on who's hotter, Stan." Kyle gestured around his body to illustrate his point.

"What, you think it would be so easy to beat me?"

"What? No," Kyle said. "I'm referring to my utter lack of muscle and sun. You'd win hands down."

Stan smirked. "You think I'm _hoooott_," he teased.

Kyle blushed angrily. "Hotter than me isn't necessarily sexy, you know."

Stan smiled and turned Kyle's back to him. "I'd think so. This is the finest ass I have ever seen."

"Shut up, idIOT!" Kyle squeaked as Stan cupped his butt. Kyle pulled away violently, turning to glare at his friend. "The hell do you think you're doing!"

"Comparing. Your ass is definitely perkier than my ass. You win."

"Sexy isn't only about butts, Stan," Kyle said. "Look at your skin. You tan like a Greek God. I tan like china."

"But your skin is way smoother!" Stan rubbed his chest with one hand and Kyle's with the other. Kyle scowled and reddened.

"It's not even close!" The paler boy grabbed Stan's hand and rubbed it in a circle right over his heart. Stan grinned and did the same with Kyle's hand.

"See?" Stan asked. "Your skin is naturally smooth. Like marble. Is that why you're always cold?"

Stan suddenly blushed and wished he could take it back. As it was, their groins were dangerously close and he could feel them radiating heat off each other.

Kyle seemed to notice around the same time and his eyes widened in surprise. He searched Stan's face for a clue to what they were supposed to do. Stan swallowed.

"T-turn around," he murmured. Kyle did so, shooting him curious looks. "L-look at these shoulders." Stan ran his hand down one to grab Kyle's wrist. "I mean, they're slender, but they're so _strong_." He pressed a line gently down Kyle's back and tugged his wrist back, making Kyle bend and arch at the waist, that perfect ass grinding into Stan's crotch. Kyle hissed sharply and Stan readjusted his hold on his hand. Kyle sighed gratefully.

"But you're the definition of 'gentle,'" Kyle told Stan. "I'm too impatient. Anyone with a brain would pick you over me."

Stan unconsciously rocked his hips into Kyle and moaned. He felt himself grow harder as Kyle responded, grinding his ass deeper into Stan's crotch. Stan panted.

"You're eager. That's amazingly hot. You make people feel wanted."

Kyle suddenly grabbed Stan's wrist back and spun himself around to face him. His lips were almost touching Stan's. "I want you," he breathed.

Stan grabbed Kyle's face and soaked him in, running his tongue sloppily every place he could reach. He tasted Pepsi and peanut butter and he grinned madly. Stan filled his fingers with his best friend's curls, gasping against the kiss.

If anything, Kyle responded more feverishly. He nipped at lips and tongue, pulling their groins closer together with Stan's belt loops. He rubbed himself deeper into Stan and put an honest effort into trying to bite the roof of Stan's mouth. A freshly washed beige station wagon (retro!) pulled up to get dried. Had either boy cared, they would have noticed their audience of four was gawking, mouths opened so wide they would probably still have sore jaws tomorrow.

But they _didn't_ care. Kyle backed up to the hood of the car and pulled Stan on top of him, wrestling with his tongue.

Stan rolled his hips into Kyle and moaned. The red head wrapped a single leg around Stan to give him a better angle and sighed in pleasure at the new contact. Distantly, they both heard cheering and crying. They ignored it, knowing if they were forced to think, they'd have to stop and wait God knows how long until they were alone enough to be decent. Instead, they bit; they kissed; they fought. Anything to feel the other's pulse change pace through their breastbones.

Across the lot, Kenny sighed. Butters looked up from the tire quizzically.

"What is it, Kenny?"

"I'm not sure whether to feel overjoyed those two are finally getting it on, or furious that it's in the middle of a charity fund raiser." Butters followed Kenny's eyes and flushed crimson.

"O-oh, hamburgers..."

Craig had Tweek bent over another car. "That's gay," he deadpanned. Tweek flinched.

Token and Clyde only noticed when the girls in their car stared straight ahead rather than at their sweet dance moves. "Oh, come _on_!" Token cried when he saw why. "How the hell are we supposed to compete with that!"

They froze and looked at each other. For a moment, they sized each other up, measuring repulsion over victory. Then, at the same time, they shook their heads and swore.

Unsurprisingly, it was Wendy and Bebe who salvaged the situation. "Three o'clock!" Wendy shouted from her bullhorn. "Thank you all so much for supporting our friends in Japan and the Pacific Islands! We'll be right here the same time tomorrow, so come on by!" Bebe grabbed Stan's ass, making him pull away from Kyle and yelp in surprise. They reluctantly looked at Bebe and climbed off the car, eliciting "boo"s and indignant cries and a few death threats. Deprived of fuel, the horde of fangirls drove off, furious and violently eager for more. The South Park students unconsciously huddled closer together out of fear.

"How'd we do?" Kenny turned to Wendy.

She smiled. "Including the massive tips, you guys made $767! This was actually a great idea, Kenny!"

"What do you mean 'actually?'" Kenny laughed loudly and pulled his blonde girlfriend to his chest.

Bebe scowled. "Yeah, you're still not getting any tonight. You molested Butters."

"In the name of philanthropy! Doesn't that mean something?"

Butters squeaked and blushed.

"You two!" Wendy shouted at Stan and Kyle, who jumped away from each others' mouths. "Tomorrow you will keep it in your pants or so help me I will take a staple gun to your jeans!"

"Yes ma'am," they giggled nervously.

"Everyone else, good job. We'll meet here at eight tomorrow and get to work. I recommend bringing mace. I think they're getting bolder."

"Ready?" Kenny said. "Break!"

...

**WAAH! So it's not full on- "EY! Author! What the hell!" Go away, Cartman. "Why wasn't I in this, huh, Jew bitch?" We talked about this before. You hate charity. "This wasn't even good! It needs mah sexy body!" Yeah. Wendy wouldn't let me do that. She threatened to rip my eyes out of my skull if I even thought about showing more than your face. "..." So you were at home, eating cheesy poofs and watching Jersey Shore today. "Oh... well... I guess that's fine."**

**So I'm sorry it's not full on sexytime smut love, but- "Hey! I just thought of something!" Go away, Cartman! Only I'm allowed to break the fourth wall! Go back to your other three, perfectly good walls or I'll make your girlfriend do something horrendous to you! "..." Okay. Now. I did this jacked up on coffee. I slept literally three hours last night and right now my body is whining at me to let me sleep. "You can totally tell." SHUT UP CARTMAN! SHUT YOUR FAT GODDAMNED MOUTH! "JEW!"**

**Thanks for reading, guys... Please leave a review. "She's a total review whore." Your mom's a review whore! "Ey! Fuck you!"**

**Do you see what I have to put up with?**


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